sweet like a chocolate fudge cake with custard.

I gave my two weeks notice at work yesterday.
In two weeks I'm leaving.
The on the next moday I'm starting my ttraiing at my former manager's new pub. And within two weeks I am Bar team leader.
Yoohoo.
A brand new place, no scruffy customers, no chavs. Only nice families coming over to have lunch.
Clean clear, a manager I like who likes me. The assitent manager used to work at my current place too, I think I can get along with her. And the cellar man is wicked.

Things are getting worse at the place I'm stioll working.
The manager missus forbid us to have breaks, nobody can access the cellar anymore but the management (they make their lives complicated, honnestly) and, well, yesterday two of us handed in a resignation letter. And sadly, those two of us are the two best takes at the bar. They'd better fid goo people to replace us or it's 2 grand out of their till every friday and saturday night.
Too bad.
I don't give a damn.

gn.

+(~€#|rt-+

My blog looks screwed under mozilla ? Fine use IE6. Any other complains ? firefox ? no ?? fine... (ok, I'll fix it sometime soon...promise)

Now what ??
I had no internet for the last week. Which is something you don't want to happen during the christmas period, but it happened, so too bad. I wish you all a belated merry christmas.
I've been working my ass off all week and I'm totally screwed (as much as my blog under mozilla), I just can't wait the holidays to be over, so that I can rest.

Nothing really funny happened.
I had a very nice christmas day. Only highlight of that week to be honnest.

I realised lately that I have developped an infinite patience towards weird obsessive behaviours and constant gloominess. I don't know if this is good or not. Just close myself and wait patiently for the clouds to bogger off... Not even frowning.

Blink.Blink.

I'm telling you guys, english people are not happy, however how gifted, handsome, and successful they are, they just don't take a chance to notice it. Who knows, that could draw a smile on their face and make other people happy, and they certainly don't want it.. Oh well..

gruesome.

Or maybe that' s me who's taking life too easily, and I should start being all grumpy and gloomy. I can't ; I just keep smiling at little things.

I should buy a yellow plastic duck to swim in my footbath. kwack kwack.

No use to mention that once again I'm in a weird mood. Put it on the lack of sleep, or a huge need to have a good laugh.
I have that weight on my chest and it prevents me to breath freely.

(pushes the cat out of the bed)

Why do cats always sit exactly where you wish them NOT to sit ?
anyways, time to go brush my teeths.

(+heart+)

Alive !!! She's alive !!!

Yeahhh !!! I spent a normal day off !!! I said what I did. I went christmas shopping and at 5 I was done. I went to the pub were I work to see Tom, but he wasn't here yet, so I just sat with two customers and had a nice chat. Very funny guys. Tom arrived a 6pm but I had to go to te bar because he had not noticed me. (Tom is back at the pub during the holidays, I must be an expensive girlfriend because he needs cash :p ) .

Since I said to Tom I'll come and pick him up at 11pm, I had to keep busy. But that was in the plan. At 7pm Mikel,*the guy who forbids me to display his name anymore on my blog because he does not want his horny fan club at work to find this site, so I have to find a nickname but it's very hard* left work and we went at his place, there 4 of his albanian friends joined us. To be fair , I do not master albanian, I just can blabber a couple of essential words like fuck off and I love you, but that' sit.
So basically, Thabo and I got slightly bored, but there was alcohol and weed, so that was fine. One of that guy was soo looking like george bush, it was amazing.
At 11 I took a taxi back to the pub. And we had to stay there for to hours because a huge amount of cash was missing from a till.
But we all know where it went....
Anyways, Tom and I finally got a cab for home, because I was totally wasted.
And this morning, my nice boyfriend got out of the bed to buy the bread and the milk. How lovely ?
But as a result , I am still in my bed...
gnnnn.... miss procrastination is back....

the day the world stopped spinning

Something unusual is happening today, my world is not the way I know it anymore.
I woke up by myself at 8.30 this morning, and instead of lazying in my bed until 3pm, doingwatching nothing but watching mangas I managed to be showered and have a decent breakfast before twelve. I also applied for two jobs (thank you ashwyn again for doing half the work )
At 1pm, the washing was done, the washing machine was running with a heavy load and my bedroom was clear of any unwanted items(old pierced socks, bundle of paper, 2p coins)
And at the time I am writting I am sitting at my desk (usually there is no room for my laptop on my desk), I managed to cook a pretty decent lunch and I wrote and printed all the letters I needed to wote and print.
Louisiana Red is feeling the room with the peaceful waves of his guitar, I'm smoking a looong cigarette and sipping a corona.

If my usual procrastinating mood doesn't reappear during the afternoon, in roughly one hour I'll be in town, queuing at the post office to send my parcels and Christmas cards, and I'll finnish my Christmas shopping. and if I get enough enrves to do so, I might even sort out my desk drawers' mess, but let's not be too optimistic.

Anyway, it's been a long time since I haven't felt so peaceful.
My mind is clear, my thoughts are no longer a bundle of nightmares.
Hope it will last.
It feels good to think that tonight I'll go to bed without thinking I just wasted my day off in bed.

I must be some kind of bipolar person. When I'm at work I can hardly take time to breath, it makes me sick not to work hard. But once I ave to do something for myself, it just takes me ages to get out of the bed and do it properly. I should see a therapist, if I was actually believing in therapy.
Have a nice day too.

machine head ?

Do not take us for granted.
Please.
It is painful.
We are not responsible.
We almost always do our best.
I do, my workmates do.
Of course there is some black sheeps who don't give a damn. But generally we love what we are doing and we are doing our best.
I know that you don't think about it.
You come in, and you want what you have in mind. Immediately. Without delay and serve ina perfect manner.
We are trying.
But can we swop a minute. May I please put you behind the bar 5 minutes.
Within five minutes you can serve 4 clients.
Ready? you are in my body, you've been here five hour already, it is five in the afternoon, your left foot is sore and swollen, your back is aching, you have a slight headache, you cut yourself twice today and the blue plasters on your fingers prevent you from being as quick as usual. your break is long gone and you start to feel hungry again. Moreover you had no time to drink water for the last hour. Your throat is dry.
Let's go.

Let's say the first one is a man , short in his fifties, he has been waiting roughly 15 seconds near your till and he is already casting you very bad looks.
You aknowledge his presence with a move of your head and a "yes please", try a smile but the eyes of the guy are so cold that your smile quickly fades away.
" a bottle of becks. I want it cold"
you go in the dump fridges, 5 seconds later your back in front of him
"is that cold? I want it cold"
"yes it's from the coldst fridge"
The guy looks at you in disbelief, takes the bottle.
"£3 please"
"How much?"
"£3 sir"
"That's robbery" says the guy slamming 3 coins on the bar, and he dashes off the bar shrugging and mumbling.
Of course you are the one who decide of the prices, yeah, you are paid 5 pound an hour and you decide of the prices, how logical. Yes, true, you decide you are a thief. And resigned, you go the the next client.

It's only 45 seconds.

The next client, you've been hearing him since 30 seconds, it's that chav lookin' guy on your left, he's been screamin' "Hey lov' lov' you servin? lov' ? "
And he asks you
"two carlin' lov'"
"We don't serve carling, we have foster's ?"
"yeah yeah two fosters "says he in a dismissive tone
You pour the two fosters at the same time. Ask for your five pounds, avoid his eyes because you know he is having that slimy smile that says that if he could grab your boobs he would, and you feel really ill at ease.Give the change back, and next client.

You've been here 1.30 minutes, how do you feel ?

The next one is a middle aged woman, looking pretty normal, you smile to her, with a "may I help" as engaging as possible"
"adoublemalibuandcokewithnoice, noiceyougetit?"
"Pardon?"
the woman waves agacing at another staff who comes and wait
"Are you english or polish ? I want adoublemalibuandcokewithnoice"
depending who your workmate is the woman is gonna get serve or nicely chucked out because she is just being racist. Whatever, the other staff starts with a "pardon me ?" And the woman seems like she's gonna rip our guts out"

It's only three minutes you are here. How do you feel?

Facing you, that other woman in her twenties. She orders food. She gives you the table number alright, her order is clear, but she keeps looking at the display screen of the till, every two seconds, to check if you are putting everything down, it i very unnerving.
She also asks for extra gravy. You go in the message system and put extra gravy on the sheet that is going to be printed in the kitchen. And she also says she wants it in a separate jug.
Shit it's not written on the till. So you cash her order, and, before serving her the two pepsi with no ice she ordered, you run to kitchen to tell the cook about the jug of gravy. You run back behind the bar and pour the two cokes as quickly as possible. Finally you are back breathless in front of the lady. She looks at you very susspicious. "Are you gonna go to the kitchen to tell about the gravy now? "
"I am just back from there, m'am" you answer
"I want it in a jug, go and tell the cook"
"I did"
One more time, someone leaves the bar persuaded they won't have what they asked for.

Five minutes.
That is five minutes.
How do you feel?
Wanna stay a bit more?
Ok
The next one is that young asian lady.
She looks very young. You ask for her ID. In that way:
"Sorry to be a pain, but may I ask for your ID"
She smiles at you and hands you her passport she had ready in hand. You check, she's alright.
You give it back with a smile and say "what can I serve you?"
"Mmmh, a vodka lemonade and lime please."
"Single Vodka lemonade and lime?"
"that' s it !"
"With ice?"
"Yes please."
you make the drink, you put it through the till, give the drink, she says thank you, gives you a fiver, you give the change, she smiles at you again, you smile back, and she leaves the bar.
And during 5 seconds you wonder why out of five people only one looks happy to be here.

Then you turn to the next customer feeling a bit lighter.

My job is not hard. It does not require much brain to do it.
It require nerves, because clients do not seems to understand that the staff who is serving them is not the person who decided to put the prices up for the christmas period, or is not the one who wrote the law that says that underage people are no longer admitted in pubs if the adults accompanying them are not having a meal.
People don't seem to understand that the police is sending kids in pubs and if any of us serve that kid then we are gonna get fined and that fine is £80. £80 is 20 hours of work. And we also get sacked for that.
We don't choose to serve two beers for five quid. how do you think we feel to cash up every minute roughly one hour of our wages?
Lately I not only have to cope with racist people, we all have to cope with being called twats or thieves. Our manager are stressed out because of the police.
We are unhappy.
Please, when you come in.
Give us a smile.
Just a smile.
Ensure yourself the best service you can.
A smile does not cost a thing.

casually dressed and in deep conversation

It's amazing how nothing really funny has happened to me lately.
Nothing.
I spend my time daydreaming, waiting for that period of nothingness to come to an end.
I day dream while sipping my coffe, I day dream under the shower, I daydream while serving pints, while cleaning table, while having my break, while coming home.

I daydream so much that I don'tknow which world is reality. Unless something reminds me that the boring bit is the real bit.

Something that happens because I day dreaming. When I cut myself with a box of beer, when someone bump in me because I stopped in the middle of the road, when I realizze I just washed my hair twice, when a workmate points at me that I'm resting in a pool of ketchup in the staff room.

Time to go and daydream under the shower.

you set off my brain

christmas party
sleep
chocolate cake
train
birmingham
shopping
new leather coat
christmas present
train,
dart board
family guy
tom
wolverhampton
late at work


you know me enough by now to put all those word into a couple of paragraph and find out what I did those last two days.
good night

Letter to my smaller self

Dear me from years ago,

According to the date scribbled on the back of those pictures you are 1 year and two months old.
On that cold february day, your mum took you to Jeanteur, the posh shop of the city and made you sit in the photomaton, something that had happened before and would happen quite often through the following years.
But last time, you were sitting on her laps, you are on your own now, and you are not very sure.


Now you've been walking since two months, you can say words and simple sentences and when asked your name you answer Colin, because he is your crush at the nursery, and he is soo cute with his curly hair.

You don't have a clue.
Your world is simple.
In the morning your dad drops you at the childcare center. Sometimes, your mum asks him to put the garbages out and your dad put them next to you in the car and drives them with you at the center. Or sometimes, he forgets you are on the back seat and only realises it when he is at his office. Or sometimes you can hear a thud when he starts the car , because one more time he forgot your bag on the roof of the car.
But most of the time, you arrive in one piece.

Every tuesday afternoon, you spend it at your granny, it's huge and dark in there, with a cosy garden and a huge veranda. You love the smell in here, it smells of apples, of the trees and of woollen stuff. You love when your grand grand daddy comes too, because he shows you funny stuff, like playing harmonica and roll cigarettes. And he always cooks pain au chocolats in the big dark oven.

You really don't have a clue.

Dear little me, you are still alive.
And you haven't changed.
At first you are upset and you ask for help. Then you get it and you have that corner smile (ok dudette, that is simple, you can do it) , then you master it and enjoy yourself. Finally, you get bored and you wanna forget all about it.


when asked your name you still don't give the right one, you love cosy dark places and the smell of apples. If your grand grand daddy had known, he would have never show you how to roll cigarettes.

Dear smallish me, you don't have a clue and that' s all for the better, because right now, it's all for the best.

ten little selfish things I like

1- Brush my teeths under the shower

2- Drink my coffee with a straw

3- Hide brownies in the wash room cupboard and go have a bite every now and then

4- Listen some bachata while getting dressed in the morning

5- Smell a particular perfume, but I can never remember its name

6- Make the brass and the stella pumps on the bar all shiny and sparkling

7- Put my khôl on, it's powder and you put it on with that old fashionned wooden stick

8- Have a sausage roll from gregs on my way back to work

9- Colour my hair, I love rinsing them for ages

10- Have a footbath, with a hot chocolate and a good book.

jetlag

I haven't forgotten. I just had a weird day.
It's is 22.34 here, so I'm not late.
Happy birthday.

in the chav's world

caught yesterday on my way home

the girl "you twat, you've been drinking the rent"
the bloke " huh ? "
the girl " the housing benefits, they give it to pay the rent"
the bloke "needed to chill out"
the girl "..."

chavs...

Fragment. consider revising

What would happen if you were kept into an empty room for days, with only water to live on? And when you are about to die of starvation the trap in the door suddenly opens and an unfriendly hand pushes in the room a bit of raw meat, clearly just slashed out of a freshly slaughtered cow.
Do you bite in it eagerly, covering your chin with shiny warm blood, even if you stomach is revolting at the idea of raw meat, with still those bits of skin hanging around? Do you look at it in disgust, knowing that it’s all you’ll have to eat, but you prefer to die?
I don’t mind raw meat, I kind of like it.
It’s just what I was thinking about this morning on my way to work. Just thought I would share.

They made an experiment. They asked a dozen of people to drink a large amount of water, seat in separate booths, and wait. And after a while, those people were really feeling like getting rid of their bodily fluids.
Scientists told them that they had to pee in their pants. Most of them could not. By being well bred we are conditioned to lose our survival instinct.
Strange.

no does not mean yes

One more nighttime story. I had a couple of post ready for tonight, but they'll wait for tomorrow. I need to exorcise, I wanna sleep sound and safe.
I just came back from work; it is 3.38am.

I cannot find a taxi free in front of the skydome, so I decid to cross the lower precinct to go to godiva place. The walk is roughly two minutes under large transparent roof. The place is very well guarded so there is basically no risk.
I'm walking on right side, my discman is playing pretty loud, it keeps me awake, Korn's singer yells "dead bodies everywhere!!!" in my ears. I walk fast. Faster than those three guys who wal in the middle. One of them joins me.
"Hey are you gonna give it tonight ? "
" No, I'm going home"
" Come to my house"
"GO with your mates, let me alone"
"are you sure you're not gonna give it tonight?"
The guy is coming closer, i can feel him touching my bag, the wall on my right prevents me from getting away from him. I feel the tip of his fingers on my ass.
I feel my brain closing down. My lower jaw goes down, my eyebrows are suddenly contracted. I feel my left foot hooking his right ankle, I see my two hand grabbing violently his shoulders, I feel myself going slightly backward and then forward, releasing my grip on his shoulders. He loses his balance and almost fall.
"3" says my almost dead brain, I don't even wanna run away, I want to fight them. I must be written in my face because his two friends tell him to leave it the guy makes an apologising gesture.
"watch your hands bastard."
Dead bodies everywhere.
I resume my walk, my brain slowly reopens. But I feel like I could knock down half the town. I'm almost at lady Godiva's. And I think. finally.

I'm 1.70m, I weight 63kg and by now there is barely any fat in it, I walk 10 km a day, I carry kilos of bottles and glasses everyday, I'm not a black belt in karaté but I've been taught basic defensive moves when I was a kid and it's sealed forever in my mind. I'm a violent person and I don't mind fighting if it can't be avoided.
And my opponent was a dwarf next to me.

What if the guy is not a smallish jerk, what if the girl is a sweet secretary instead of a tough barmaid. What if the girl has been drinking pints instead of serving them. What if that girl's dad was not a black belt in jijutsu ? What if that girl is not a tomboy and does not know what to do ?

I hate being touched by strangers, I generally hate being touched. I hate when I say no and still they think I said yes.

This guy barely touched my jeans and I feel bad. I reacted within 1 second.
What if another girl let it go ten secondes before being able to scream for help ? She's gonna be hurt inside.

At that point of thoughts I reached lady Godia and I saw two yellow shiny jackets there.
I did something,I never thought I would do. I went to the cops and told them I got sexually agressed. I gave the guys description, where they had gone.
I feel bad about it too. I needed it.

I don't think they went to chase for them anyway.

When a girl says no, it means no.
You should not even ask.
Bastard.

quick and to the pointless

I don' t know what to listen to.
My windows media player is stuck on random playing, browsing remotely through 170 hours of music.

I think right now that people are rude and interested.
I said to that guy four days ago that I would send him my last year design , and he has been harrassing me since, calling me, texting me, talking to me on msn, and now he is being abusive to me because I haven't sent it. This guy has nothing to give me . And even if he had he wouldn't. I offerred it because he used to be my junior at my french uni. But I do not appreciate being woken up at unhealthy hoursby a wanker.
The more you ask me things, the less I do them. I've always been like this.
There is a way to ask things, a way to remind people of what they offered. Being rude and grudgy is certainly not working with me.

I was ready to send him my whole last year folder. Now he can just get lost.

That said, it is 3.20 and I'm still in my bed. Due to the fact that I went to TESCO last night with two mates. Mikel and Thabo. They are housemates and their house was lacking of the minimum survival goods (toilet paper for example).
They fancied a trip to TESCO at midnight.
And during two hours, half asleep on the trolley , I looked at them in awe... Like two old stingy asian ladies, they were arguing on which shampoo they should buy, if that bacon was bette than this one, or if they should take the cheapest tpoothbrush or that one with written new in shiny letters on the packaging. Which sponge they should take, was it too girly ? not smooth enough?
I was slightly flabbergasted.
yes yes...
Sometimes those two make me think of Laurel and Hardy, as well in physical appearance as in the set of minds.

play dead

For some reason there are many things I want to write here today, but they all would need a separate post. You can't mix the Shoah, a fight in a pub, your tax problems and a night trip at TESCO.
I'm gonna make a choice and come back to you later with a proper phamplet.

happy birthday to me part two ...

the day of my birthday, I spent it nursing my hangoer in my bed until four, then Tom arried and treated me to a very nice indian restaurant, where we had plenty, plenty of extremely nice food (I loooove king prawns)

And then, we (Tom , Sabrina and I) went to have cocktails at Dogma, I had one called southern Julep and , damn, I loved it.
And then that was the end of my birthday.

From my bed right now, I can look at the stack of chocolate boxes and cards I got. Two are from customers of the pub, another customer is knitting me a nice deep blue scarf. I'm still waiting for my presents, most of them being in parcel they are not here yet. Let's say I'm stalking the postman.

My dad said he sent me food, FRENCH FOOD !!!!! yum....

the perfect birthday say (so far...)

step one.

leave work early the previous day.
get ready.

step two.

be lucky enough to have that day falling on the renaming ceremony of a big night club.
be also lucky enough to be a very close friend of the manager and get an indecent number of invites and drink voucher.

step three :

find a bunch of friends, congregate in the pub were you work and start having free drinks from the management.

step four:

Make your way to the club, watch the shows drinking free champagne
Sart enjoy the night.
Get another manager to give you another indecent number of drink vouchers, and another one again.

step five

switch on orange juice

dance dance dance dance

step six

receive a nice card and a part of your present from Mikel,
step seen
get really tired.
find your housemate in the crowd.
go home.

step seven

try to sleep in spite of ashwyn and all the people sending you sms every hours to wish you a happy birthday ooohooo, i m amazed at the number of people who reminded it actually :p )

wake up. Get ready for a day off.

the rest tomorrow :p